Dear Me – Vibha Writes a Letter to Herself

It is difficult to look into the mirror, directly into one’s own eyes and lie.

Dear Me,

I am completely out of practice in the art of letter writing but sometimes it is better to write than say. Saying often gives out the fake emotions we try to convey but sometimes the other person can see it in our eyes. Our truth hides in our eyes, may be that is why, it is said that mirrors don’t lie. It is difficult to look into the mirror, directly into one’s own eyes and lie. I know I can’t do it.

But writing is good. I am more adept at being creative with writing. I can easily fake my emotion and balance the Truth with the Right and convey the message.

Truth is truth but it is not always the right thing to say. And while you are dealing with the balancing act of being true with being right, I realise it is a difficult one. This is not a skill some of us are good at. Most of us can create the balance in today’s world or so it seems on social media, but there are a bunch of nobodies (like me) who are internally devastated in being right or doing the right thing. ‘Being Right’ is socially enforced and not being able to practice ‘Being True’ kills me from inside. The turmoil is too much to handle for a single soul.

Self Conversation (not monologue) is a good thing but not for people whose eyes reflect the truth. Even a dialogue with such an individual can be hurtful. I have the habit of looking people in the eye to analyse their feelings towards me. And you will be surprised at the number of people whose words and eyes are not in-sync.

‘I Love You’ is the most overrated statement of the century.

No wonder, ‘I Love You’ is the most overrated statement of the century. It is this very fact, ‘eyes reflect the truth in one’s heart’ that you find most of the people hiding behind the Veil of Social Media to express whatever they want to – Good Bad Ugly. No one can see their eyes and it is easy to fake or hate when you don’t have to look into one’s eyes and say things.

Isn’t it why, half of the world is going through Depression? They cannot find sync between their own feelings and the ones they express, also they see, disconnect between the eyes and words of the loved ones who proclaim their undying affection or friendship. This untruth feels like a stab in the back and most of us are not equipped to handle such deceit.

Seeing through the lies of a person who matters to you kills you from within. The soul churns into a knot inside the heart and chokes the breathing life in your nerves. Sometimes you try to forgive and forget but in real life, forgetting is not a possibility. For the truth remains in their eyes, reminding you constantly of the infidelity in their words.

All this is a continuous phenomenon we are not trained to handle and no there is nothing like ‘Practice to Perfection’ in such cases. You cannot control tears or that sinking feeling when your heart hangs down to your stomach. I have seen some people drown the constant whispers in their head in the noisy silence of the idiot box. They play the television so loud believing that it will drown that chaotic feeling and the constantly humming truth in their ears. Some laugh loud, crack jokes; act witty only to hide the pain and the paranoia of being lonely in this overcrowded world. Not many are lucky to get a hand which holds them and pulls them out of this quicksand of unfathomable feelings.

They play the television so loud believing that it will drown that chaotic feeling

It is not until recently that I realised – The black hole is your own mess to sink in or swim out!

If you are struggling to swim out then there is a chance that you can help yourself. Don’t look for someone to work it out for you. For no one can and sometimes no one will.

Give yourself a chance to be your own saviour.

If you say you are depressed, you will be surprised at the number of people who will find it amusing. Don’t bother about them. Pity them that they have locked their feelings so deep inside a shell that they cannot even put a finger on what is a state of mind many people across the world suffer from.

Pull yourself away from those who say it is abnormal to be depressed. Bring yourself closer to you… breathe.

Work out each feeling at a time.

Wake up to see the sunrise and greet the new day.

Tell yourself, you are a warrior set out to win.

Fake that smile to the mirror, practice it a few times

Create – draw, write, paint, craft DIY cook… anything that makes you happy.

Ignore those you try to get on your nerves ‘No one can drive you mad, if you don’t give them the keys’

Walk away from such triggers to calm down.

There is a simple alphabetical process I derived for you to deal with the devil named depression:

ABCDE – Avoid triggers, Bypass people who mess it up for you, Cheat the conspirator (often people stop when they are not able to derive the pleasure of a reaction), and lastly, Defeat the gloom by doing simple activities like watching stand up comedy shows or listening to a happy song.

And then there is a final act of E –Express Yourself, don’t lock it feelings inside.

It is like Self Service.

It is difficult but not impossible. It is like Self Service. You will have to make the effort of getting up and collecting your order. You will have to make the effort of getting up and doing things that help you heal. A walk around the park, meditation, yoga, writing, poetry, music… whatever…

Identify your healing remedy and use it as a tool for combat. And then prepare yourself for the most essential and difficult task – Self Love.

It is difficult. I have been trying and it is difficult because the first person, who will not accept it, is you yourself. But bit by bit unlearn the concept of love. Change it to self-love. Not for a day, not for a month but every day. It is like faking that smile in the mirror till one day you actually smile.

And smile, you will.

With this promise

I sign off.

-Vibha

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